I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
