That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
