Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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