I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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