we have pet lesbian snakes
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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