I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
