I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
