Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just want to make out with him forever
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
