Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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