Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
