The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
