Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
