but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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