i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
