T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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