saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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