How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
