I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
