So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
