Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
