Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
