Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
