As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
