I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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