I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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