Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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