fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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