based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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