Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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