I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
