I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
