Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
