I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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