I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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