One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
