i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
