My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
