I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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