Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
