I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
