12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
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