Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize