I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
