it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
