This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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