Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
