Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
