All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
