everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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