I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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