I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
