my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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